In early January 2017, I started treatment for lymphoma. Each course of treatment includes taking steroids, as well as injections of target drugs and chemotherapy drugs, with a cycle every 21 days. After chemotherapy, people will feel tired and weakened. Other side effects such as dizziness and loss of appetite are also inevitable. I lost weight suddenly, and the clothes on my body looked wide and loose. After the first chemotherapy, the hair began to fall out, and I simply shaved it off. In addition, I have never vomited, my mouth has not been ulcerated, and my nails and toenails have always been translucent and not blackened. After putting on the wig and taking pictures, it doesn’t look like a patient from left to right. Several patients told me that they only did three or four rounds of chemotherapy, and the lymphoma in the body has disappeared, and two more treatments (a total of six courses) are used to consolidate, that is, you are done and you can wave goodbye to the days of chemotherapy. I think that Heavenly Father loves me so much, and there are so many people praying for me. Six treatment sessions should be enough. What should I do if the medical treatment is not good?
After completing four chemotherapy sessions, the hospital arranged a computer scan according to the procedure. I hope to hear the report. “Most of your lymphoma has shrunk, but there is a tumor that is still more than 1 cm in diameter.” The doctor told me truthfully. I felt cold. “You have to do four more chemotherapy sessions,” the doctor continued. My heart is colder again. “Thirty percent of the patients had their tumors still after eight chemotherapy sessions. Some did not shrink, but increased.” The doctor felt obliged to tell me the data. My heart fell to the bottom of the ice cellar. Going home to be quiet, I can’t help but feel ashamed of my arrogance. Who am I thinking that I can see through God’s will and understand his way of doing things? But I am still depressed. I have always thought that as long as you go through the rugged and quiet path of the treatment process, you can set foot on the smooth road of rehabilitation. The doctor reminded me that out of ten patients, three out of ten patients would probably not get better. If I’m on a road of no return (no matter what it is called “anti-cancer journey” or “walking with the disease”), how should I face it? God did not waste time. The next day, He solved my confusion through a seemingly irrelevant passage. The day I read was Genesis 21 22-24, which described Abimelech’s request to make a covenant with Abraham. There is a sentence in the spiritual material that touched me: “Because of the presence of God, people are envious.” I always wish others to see the presence of God in me. On the way to the treatment, the hand of God’s grace can be seen everywhere helping me; the ultimate effect of the treatment is not a decisive condition. If a disease is cured well, it can certainly testify to God’s power and favor; if a disease is not cured, can it not be possible to reflect the presence and grace of God in every day’s life? Why am I obsessed with the results of treatment? I suddenly became enlightened and cheered up again. First come to the “post-match review” in order to remedy the deficiencies in the first round and do our best to do our part. It has long been reported that chicken meat can promote the growth of cancer cells; it has also been said that lymphoma cancer cells are especially sweet. I love to eat chicken, and I also prefer a sweet taste, and there is no total abstinence after illness. I decided to bear my mouth for some time in the future, which may help the effect. In addition, exercise is also indispensable. I intend to take a walk in the park every day. The doctor said that the side effects of chemotherapy are cumulative. In other words, the good show is yet to come. After the sixth, seventh, and eighth chemotherapy, the test really began!
Homework I Haven’t Learned
In May 2017, I was preparing for the seventh chemotherapy, and suddenly I heard my son say that something went wrong in the process of submitting his graduation thesis. The son is studying for a doctoral degree in the UK and has successfully passed the oral defense of his graduation thesis in December 2016. The professors in charge of the examination also gave Shangjia a comment and asked him to submit the final revised text within three months after making a small revision. Somehow, the son misunderstood that three months was just a rough deadline. After returning to Hong Kong, my son was busy with public and private affairs: I was seriously ill, and he was invited to compose for several concerts. He waited until he had time to sort out the paper, and then uploaded the revised text to the designated website, only to find that the submission time was delayed. It turned out that three months is an insurmountable period. The institute has always been strict in law enforcement. If the reason for pleading is not accepted, the consequences can be very serious. If the son can’t finish his career, wouldn’t it be worth all the hard work for many years? I am worried. After many prayers, I still couldn’t let go. As early as the beginning of my illness, my best friend who moved to Australia reminded me in an email to give all my worries to God. I sighed, it turns out I haven’t learned this lesson yet. I deliberately opened the Bible and read this familiar verse again: “You should have nothing to worry about, as long as you tell God what you want through prayer, petition, and thanks in everything.” (Philippians 4:6) I asked God: ” What do you want me to thank for? This is obviously not a good thing.” On Sunday, Jialong met Ms. Li Feiwu at the church. Ms. Li also encountered something that made her sad. She asked Jialong to give me three golden sentences that gave her great comfort. Back home, Jialong quickly took out the Bible, and read Jeremiah Lamentations 3:31-33 with me: “…The Lord will not abandon people forever. Although the Lord makes people sad, he still has to show mercy according to his love. He is not willing to make people suffer and make people sorrow.” I read these verses, together with the upper and lower verses, many times, and once again confirmed my belief: God is not a man who builds happiness on human suffering. God; He has salvation in discipline and mercy in discipline. My heart settled down like an anchored ship, and no longer swayed up and down. I immediately realized why I was in a difficult situation and I could still give thanks. Even if I cannot thank the disaster, I can still thank God who cares about people, and thank God for his kind words. God will never sit idly by, I just have hope in my heart and just wait to see what he does.
After a few weeks, the matter was resolved smoothly. In January 2018, Jia Long flew to the UK to attend his son’s graduation ceremony. My daughter and I sit at home and watch the live broadcast in front of the computer. This degree, which was supposed to be a matter of course, became a sign of God’s grace due to the last twists and turns. Discovering the truth, discovering God, discovering love Last October, the doctor told me that my condition was under control. Eight sessions of treatment before and after completion, almost a year ago. Look in the mirror: a few inches of weak hair grows on the top of the head that was previously infertile; the two-curved eyebrows that have disappeared regain the outline; the eyelashes left in the last stage of chemotherapy are also sparsely dropped on the eye sockets. Revitalize. I replied to the old look. But I will not deceive myself. At my age, with such a serious illness, there is no way to completely restore the old view inside and out. I only hope that I will learn to be humble, to be considerate, and to be grateful.
The healing process is a series of rediscoveries. I discovered my true situation time and time again: I was so strong that I was vulnerable; my cleverness was just self-righteous; I often boasted of being generous, and to put it bluntly, it was just fifty steps and a hundred steps. Then, I found God’s unexpected mercy time and time again: He did not despise me, nor did he speak harshly to me; He just gently led me, comforted me, and let me know what kind of person He wanted me to be. Healing is to be embraced, shaken, and reshaped by this love beyond imagination, so as to be more able to accept one’s own flaws, and thus to accept the flaws of others. God loves me, never because I am worthy.
22 The love of the Lord never ceases, and his mercy never ceases.
23 Every morning is new; how vast is your faithfulness!
24 I said in my heart: “The Lord is my heritage, so I will look to him.”
Jeremiah Three Lamentations 22-24 “New Translation”